For the last seven years, choosing a side in September has been a stress-free experience for all one-eyed Hawthorn fans. Brown and gold, through and through, ‘til the end, #always.
Unfortunately this year poses an unfamiliar and, frankly, daunting challenge. Finals action awaits, and the Hawks are nowhere to be seen.
Our number one suggestion is to focus on VFL. The Box Hill boys are straight through to a preliminary final, and are our best hope for some brown and gold glory this September.
But, if you’re forced out to the pub with mates, or if your roomie opts to watch the footy over The Bachelor home visits, or if any other scenario occurs in which you must endure non-Hawthorn related AFL, we’ve got some tips for you.
Rather than hide under a rock for the next 30 days (and possibly the ensuing six months if Richmond happen to get up), we thought we’d weigh up the pros and cons, and determine which is the lesser of eight evils to throw our support behind this September.
Here we go….
Adelaide
They’ve given us Jack Gunston and Ricky Henderson, the least we can do in return is throw our support behind them as they vie for a premiership right?
If that’s not enough to get you over the line then let’s not forget that they kindly passed on selecting Ryan Burton in the 2016 NAB AFL Draft so that he and his beautiful right foot could don the famous number five and make Hawthorn hearts sing.
And if the Crows happen to win it? Well, we can brag about having defeated the premiers at their home ground. Win, win.
Geelong
As a self-respecting Hawthorn fan, it is impossible to fathom cheering on the blue and white hoops in September (or any month, for that matter).
The pain of our three-point loss in Round 17 burns deep; our chance to salute Hodgey in his 300th game thwarted by the Cats.
The loss in Round 4 isn’t much easier; an 86-point shellacking in front of 60,000+ at the ‘G. Happy Easter to us.
And last year’s qualifier? Let’s not even go there.
If the Cats make it all the way to the big dance, find solace in your DVDs of ’08 – you’re going to need it.
Richmond
While we shudder to think of what the Punt Road traffic would be like when the Tigers fans are out celebrating, there is one reason why we wouldn’t mind the Tigs going deep into September.
Damien Hardwick.
He was Clarko’s sidekick for five years, and played a big part in helping us win our drought-breaking ’08 grand final. For that, Dimma will always hold a soft spot in our hearts.
And, we must admit… They have a pretty catchy song.
However, if they are to win it, make sure you switch off all forms off technology for the following six months to avoid the gloating of the Richmond faithful (along with the self-professed 'diehards' who haven't missed a game since the 2017 grand final).
GWS
Another graduate from Clarko’s Academy of Coaches, Leon Cameron was among the panel that led Hawthorn to its 2012 Grand Final appearance.
After three preliminary finals losses as a player (2x Western Bulldogs, 1x Richmond), four as an assistant coach (3x Western Bulldogs, 1x Hawthorn), and now one as a senior coach (GWS), 2012 was Cameron’s only peek at the big dance.
We think he’s about due for another.
Port Adelaide
This is a hard one.
On one hand, the Power gave us our Silk. 184 games and three premierships later, we feel incredibly grateful for the gift that keeps on giving.
On the other hand, Port forced us to rewrite the history books earlier this year when they dealt us our worst first half score… Ever.
At least if they win their celebrations take place across the border and we can carry on like September never even happened.
Sydney
The last time Sydney won the premiership, we went on to win the following three. For the superstitious amongst us there can be no better reason to cheer, cheer the red and the white, right?
Not quite.
The Swans have Buddy. And after watching him recreate his 2010 GOTY by leaving Daniel Talia in his dust just three weeks ago (which happened to coincide with us cutting up some onions in the kitchen), we realised that maybe we’re still not quite over it.
On the plus side? Stewie Dew is a Swans assistant coach. And well, you know. It’s Stewie Dew. The man is premiership royalty.
Essendon
Like Geelong, there is unequivocally, zero reason for any true Hawthorn fan to want to see the Bombers fly up.
Dipper and Dermie and decades of Hawks have drawn the ‘line in the sand’ game, there’s just too much water under the bridge between Essendon and Hawthorn.
Acknowledging, let alone hoping for, an Essendon premiership is right up there with the crimes of disagreeing with Alastair Clarkson’s coaching decisions or speaking ill of Luke Hodge.
We don’t see that changing any time soon – particularly not this September.
West Coast
And the final graduate from Clarko’s Academy of Coaching (drum roll please)...... Adam Simpson.
Simmo moulded our midfield and forward lines as an assistant coach to Clarko between 2010 and 2013, in a tenure that included the ’13 premiership. Any contributor to a Hawthorn premiership will always be a friend of ours.
And of course, the elephant in the room.
Sammy.
No matter what colours that man is wearing, you just want to see him do well.
And if you squint, it’s possible to pretend those ordinary blue strips are actually a deep brown.
And if you squint harder, rub your eyes, and spin around 10 times, there’s a slim chance that 1 on his back could morph into a (blurry) Number 5.
#Always.
So in conclusion, we have no idea who to barrack for. We're just going to try and avoid our screens (and Punt Road) until September 2017 is done and dusted.
