Angus and I have been mates since “Dipper” was a bambino. Our footy club has brought us so much joy that when strangers ask, “What do you do?” we answer, “Barrack for Hawthorn”. Whenever we’ve dragged our feet through the drudgery of another week, we’ve been able to comfort ourselves that a big, juicy, brown and gold carrot awaits on the weekend.
The Hawks have always been there for us. Can’t sleep? Run through our 13 premiership teams from the backline until you drift into blissful slumber. Need to discipline the kids? Get them to write “1975 grand final half-back flanker Bohdan Jaworskyj was a legend” 100 times and they’ll get a spelling and history lesson while they’re at it. Looking for a bedtime story to read the grandkids? Try The Fairytale Of 2008. Got a headache? Lie down and take a dose of the 1989 and `91 Victory pack. Keen to make a splash at a fancy dress party? Kit yourself out in any of our clash jumpers from the past 10 years and you’ll have make an impression that’ll never be forgotten.
Yes, our Hawks have been our salvation. They’ve always been there for us. As I said to Angus last Saturday arvo (halfway through what in footy terms is called “the third quarter” but should really be renamed “torture that’s banned under the Geneva Convention”), this is not a time to drop bottom lips or bundles. This is a time to stick fatter than Stuey Dew was when Clarko drafted him at the end of 2007. Our Hawks need us. It’s our duty.
He can be a hard sell, old Angus. He reckons the fact that when we last lost three games in a season by 75-plus points (let alone three in the first six rounds) Ryan Burton and Blake Hardwick were in grade two proves beyond doubt that the sky is falling in. I prefer to believe that behind the darkest clouds the sun is still shining.
Look at Stuey Dew – he went from amusing draftee to premiership hero in less than 12 months.
Angus hears Clarko flagging “catastrophic change” and thinks that’s an invitation to spend Saturdays in the garden or putting curlers in his hair to try and replicate the Johnny Platten look he had in the early `90s – anything to get out of going to the footy. I tell him it’s a long season, there’s plenty of time to turn things around, and don’t forget we beat West Coast less than a fortnight ago – and they beat Fremantle, who beat the Bulldogs, who are the reigning premiers, so we’re obviously still the best team in it!
He’s not in the mood for jokes, poor Gus, and I get that. But I made him watch Game Day on Sunday morning anyway, and when Hodgey said the biggest change needed was attitude he went all sheepish and mumbled something about making sure he’d bring a better mindset to the MCG next week.
Even wearing civvies and sitting in an armchair, Hodgey’s always been able to frighten the wits out of Angus.
And let’s not forget we’ve just made history by appointing the AFL’s first-ever female CEO. Angus hadn’t heard of Tracey Gaudry (he’s a bit one-sport-minded), but I assured him she knows what it takes to win, on and off a push bike. And in her last gig in athletics she was responsible for bringing Usain Bolt to town for that jazzed-up Nitro series last summer. With a bit of work on his kicking, just imagine how the big bloke would go getting on the end of a Tom Mitchell handball at a stoppage!
I hadn’t even gotten around to mentioning that our Box Hill Hawks are undefeated and second on the VFL ladder, or that Harry Morrison – godson of our late and beloved Ken Judge – was best on ground against Williamstown at the weekend and could be just the injection of youth and energy Clarko was flagging. Or that Tyrone Vickery kicked three, was in the best and moving as smoothly as his goldfish namesake around the new tank with Tom and Jaeger.
By then Angus was back with the program, checking the countdown clock on hawthornfc.com.au, remembering that Saturday is a replacement game so members get in free, and declaring as he ran through the fixture that after Melbourne this week we’ve got Brisbane, Collingwood, Sydney, Port and Gold Coast, and we could still be 7-5 by the bye.
He’s a man of extremes, is Gus. But I like this extreme better than the other one. I reckon Hodgey would too.
Go Hawks.
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